Whether or not you have experienced motherhood, this is worth a read so you don’t slip up. Not only are our hormones making us hypersensitive but some people need to know that IT’S NOT OKAY TO SAY THESE THINGS. Oh, and a teddy is cute and everything but we have a million of those so next time bring cake.
1. “Breast is best”
It’s none of your business how the hell my baby is getting fed and I shouldn’t have to feel guilty that he was born with a medical condition that prevented him from feeding from my boobs. So please refrain from reminding me every ten seconds and instead try to reassure me that he’s safe and healthy despite being on formula which may not be as good as breast milk but it’s damn better than nothing.
2. “Are you going back to work?”
He was born less than a week ago, my fanny is still suffering (even after a c section believe it or not), I’ve not stopped crying and I seem to be leaking through my t-shirt. You really think now is an appropriate time to discuss my work plans? I have plenty of time to think about work and not enough time enjoying this baby being little so can we enjoy this stage before rushing me along to make more future plans regarding my job? I know you’re interested but it’s the last thing I want to think about.
3. “I couldn’t go back to work like you, I don’t know how you can do it. Won’t you miss your baby?”
Those of you who know me will know that I was originally going to go back to work but some pretty big life altering changes happened which resulted in me becoming a stay at home mum for now. But when this got said to me on Maternity leave I could have lost it so I definitely make sure not to say this to working mothers. I’m pretty sure (like a trillion percent sure) that working mums miss their babies but it’s a personal choice (and a lot of people don’t have a choice) that doesn’t reflect on their bond or parenting skills so please just don’t say it. It hurts and it’s unnecessary.
4. “Sleep when the baby sleeps”
I’ll try and I probably will a handful of times by the time the baby is a year old but the only time I have to do anything else is when he’s asleep.
5. “Your baby is the fussy kind. Luckily my baby didn’t cry”
I don’t believe you for a second. All babies cry.
6. “Give him here, he might just need a special cuddle with *insert relative or made up connection here* instead”
OK. I guess you might as well move in and survive off 2-3 hours of sleep every night whilst your at it? I mean if you honestly think that you are better off looking after this sprog more than me then that’s fine. I’m going to bed, wake me up in 2030.
7. “Don’t worry, I was sick over a week ago so I’m completely cured now”
BACK THE FUCK UP, BITCH. Get out of my house right now so I can bleach the whole damn place.
8. “It must be nice to stay at home all day and do whatever you want”
Oh it’s lovely. I have so much free time that you should totally come over one day to hang out. You probably won’t want to come back again in fear of the high pitched wailing, continuous interrupted sleep, the poo explosions, trying to keep them entertained by changing whatever they need to keep them happy every five minutes, the housework, the washing, the constant feeds, mild colic and the brain numbing baby tv and nursery rhymes but sure. I get to do whatever I want besides those things for 24 hours a day.
9. “I was back in my pre pregnancy jeans the same month I gave birth”
You can see I’m still fat so why would you do this to me?
10. Is he “walking/talking/crawling/ yet?”
I get it that they’re milestones and I genuinely don’t mind it when people ask purely because they don’t know when kids are supposed to be doing those things or just to know what he’s up to but when a fellow parent asks you JUST AFTER bragging about how her own baby is already rock climbing and learning mandarin at the age of one (you know the kind) you know she’s already expecting the answer “No” Just so you can watch her face turn smugly and proudly towards her own normal paced child like she’s a baby prodigy. ALL BABIES LEARN DIFFERENT THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. At this stage there is no such thing as a slow or fast learner so can we quit the “early or late” development bullshit please?
11. “So are you having a second baby any time soon?”
Now don’t get me wrong, this post could be seen as quite aggressive in a few places (that happens when you’re up at 3am with a toddler and writing this kind of post) and some might think I’m complaining about being home with my son but don’t forget that this blog has a no sugarcoating rule. I’m going to say it how it is and no, not every day makes me feel like the luckiest person alive to be at home all day because it’s tough. Everything worth having and loving in life comes with hard work and occasional bad days but the results are priceless and one billion percent worth every struggle along the way.
Just make sure you buy coffee and a good pillow that you can occasionally scream into!