I can’t. Pure and simple.
A life without Dexter would be empty and even pointless. Because amongst the chaos, tiredness, days full of mayhem and routines there is laughter and love. So much love.
Often I express how I struggle as a mother because who doesn’t? It’s not the most difficult thing I have physically done as I have always had jobs that keep me on my feet and often there was no time to sit down so motherhood in a physical sense didn’t shock me. Emotionally it’s the most difficult thing I’ve done and I’m totally okay with that. Because emotionally you are scared of things you’d never imagined before, the pressure you put on yourself when nobody else does gets too much and even the love you have can be overbearing. Your have to learn boundaries to let them grow, let them take more risks, with age you lose your grasp that little bit more as they take small steps into becoming more independent. With ‘grieving’ the helpless baby you gave birth to comes pride when they grow. I am so blessed to experience this.
But today I had a moment with my son where I tickled him, he squealed and giggled, I laughed at his reaction and he looked into my eyes for a few seconds before putting his arms around my neck and resting his head on my chest before saying “Oh Mummy.”
I took that as an “I love you”
It made me realise that perhaps I don’t express it enough on my blog. The moments that change you, that define you, that make you gentler as a person and that melts your heart into a million pieces. I say it how it is to a point – but sometimes I leave out how much he means to me because it DOES go without saying. From the moment I looked at that little face and he wrapped those tiny fingers around my thumb I just knew that I loved him unconditionally. Forever.
If a parent could put into words what their babies mean to them then the most beautiful words would be spoken. It’s an indescribable feeling and the things you’d do for your children are nothing close to anything you have ever felt before. The strength a mother or father feels is indescribable and nobody/nothing can bring that down.
The moments that you look into your child’s eyes and you hear them laugh knowing that you’re making somebody utterly happy is amazing. I love that he looks at me like I’m a superhero.
Don’t let the blog posts fool you into thinking that there aren’t as many precious moments as there are hectic, mind puzzling moments. Dexter is full of precious moments that I will treasure until the day I die. He’s a funny, clever, cheeky, gorgeous and gentle little boy who deserves more credit on here. I’m a mother who uses this place for expressing how I feel – it connects me to other parents who feel the same as me and more importantly it brings us together knowing that we are doing a bloody good job. But behind everything I might say or struggle with is a happy boy who has made my life that little bit more complete.
Imagine a world without him. I can’t. Pure and simple.