I’ve never gone this long without uploading a blog post before but December was hectic. Those mince pies weren’t going to eat themselves! I have no excuse for the lack of posts in January (hey I did ONE) other than nobody gives a shit anyway and I was suffering from the post christmas blues. So I thought I’d make an appearance on the first day of February when we’ve all accepted that our new 2017 diet regime isn’t going to work and we are going to stay the same grumpy tossers as we were last year. Ah, there is nothing like crushing the New Years optimism within a month. Here’s to us! February is the month of love (of pancakes) so this is going to be a post about (DON’T LEAVE YET) love. But more importantly, loving yourself. The title is basically the furthest away from clickbait that you can get and is instead pretty fucking accurate. I would write about my own relationship but right now a few friends of mine seem to be needing a little boost and I hope that this at least helps slightly without me bombarding them with essays in our private messages.
Now, we’ve all heard those whispers from friends or where ever else “What if I never find anybody?” or “If I break up with him/her then what if I end up alone forever?” But let me tell you something. Staying with the wrong person when you KNOW deep in your heart that they’re the wrong person is so much more painful than being free and learning to love yourself. Does a relationship with another human being have to define your sense of self? It’s probably Great Auntie Gertrude tutting and impersonating a ticking clock that builds up a mountain of dread and impatience. What’s the rush? You don’t have to be twenty, thirty, forty or fifty to have that fairytale ending in a certain bloody time frame. I know men and women who are barely in their mid twenties who are obsessively hoping to find “the one” like their time is running out.
I’m 26, married with a child. So maybe you think I don’t know what I’m talking about. But actually, I do. Every married person or parent does. I’m blessed to have the life I do and I’d never change it for the world but that doesn’t mean I don’t recognise what I can no longer have. Or at least without a lot of hard work and compromise with another person. I have my regrets about not travelling enough, not getting drunk enough (although I had one night where I vomited in my brothers R2D2 toy box so I don’t think I could live with many more drunken antics like this one, but in my defence, I did think I was puking into a toilet in my drunken hallucinating state) and generally just learning who I am. I personally wouldn’t change anything about my current life but I’d certainly achieve a few things on the bucket list before settling down if I could go back.
Travelling the world and making a career for yourself are big enough achievements without adding “Find a stinky boy/girl to make babies with” to the list. ONE AT A TIME. Enjoy your freedom, meeting new people, your own money, experiences and YOURSELF. It’s true when somebody tells you to love yourself before loving somebody else. I only started dating my husband six months after splitting up (although we’d known each other for a couple of years) from a previous relationship and in those few months I crammed in meeting new friends (like my best friend) and learning how my mind worked because I wasn’t dedicating my time and effort to one person or the wrong person. I discovered that I had depth on my own and I had goals to reach. I’m happy to say I reached some of those goals whilst being with my husband but some we didn’t. More so because work life took over and feeling like we had forever to go on expensive holidays or spontaneously go on trips but then along came a tiny human who robbed us but at least made us happy. But there’s more to being a person than being somebody’s wife or mother and that’s why I try to encourage my friends who have the opportunity here and now to do those things instead of obsessing over their “Mr/Mrs Right” before they’ve even met somebody. But this isn’t about money and having life experiences before creating humans or buying your first dog with a significant other really is it?
It’s about who you are. To work on the things that are perhaps holding you back, to thank yourself for being a good person and to look yourself in the mirror knowing that you’re content with being YOU (flaws n all) before even thinking of sharing that love for yourself with somebody else. Somebody who you deserve. I think when you haven’t accepted your flaws, you could potentially fall in love for the wrong reasons whether that be for security, comfort and even convenience. But self-worth and learning who you are will surely lead you to more realistic aspirations and desires in the right person. Focus on you and figure out what and who you deserve in the future before leaping into something that just doesn’t fit right. It’s like a pair of shoes I own – at the time they looked great, it was very much what I wanted at the time and despite knowing it was probably the wrong time to buy them and they didn’t have my exact size, I bought them anyway. I’ve worn them a few times but they do more bad than good, leaving me wondering why it was such a good idea to rush into getting them instead of waiting for my size or another pair all together.
Fuck. Trust my best (possibly only) ever analogy to involve a pair of shoes. Note for my husband: this IS just an analogy. We are nothing like my fabulous yet painful pair of shoes.
Learn what makes you strive for greatness, makes you happy, angry and learn your goals, passions, disappointments and views before choosing who you’re emotionally compatible with. Leave your comfort zone and empower your thoughts, test your imagination, explore what’s in your wildest dreams, travel the world or just starfish in bed watching Netflix. It’s okay to hit rock bottom just as it is to succeed because it shapes you. You learn more about yourself the more you allow life to teach you a valuable lesson and accept that this is your life to live. Nobody else’s. So fuck you Great Auntie Gertrude.
Once you have attained this mindfulness, your fusion with a partner will more likely flourish rather than cause prevention. Don’t compromise your future, just MAKE your future. Don’t compare your journey to anybody else’s because this is yours and it’s here right now.
Your happiness is your possession.
You know, I learnt this from being with the wrong person and having those six months to myself before accidentally kissing my now husband (to be fair, he did try kissing me first in a kebab shop after a drunken night out but as we gathered, I know my self worth and a kebab shop wasn’t what I had in mind). It doesn’t have to take years. I have made changes whilst with my husband too and have made peace with myself whilst I’ve been with him as well. It’s never too late to start again, it’s never too late to realise what you deserve and what you’re aiming for and it’s never too late to love yourself. Just make sure that when the time comes, you find somebody who knows how lucky they are. My husband and I have ups and downs, we are only young and both know we will continuously grow as people as well as a married couple. We may even discover one day that we will grow very differently but we have respect for each other and love each other enough to embrace all of the possibilities that our futures hold. Because right now, we are together and we are happy.
Right now is all that matters.
–dedicated to my own badass Ariel